Dear Lancelot
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Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Lonely life
Have you ever watched a movie and you could feel a strong connection with it. The movie leaves you dumbfounded and you feel butterflies and a deep burning sensation that you just cannot take out of your stomach? Then you think about the movie all darn day and you find yourself just day dreaming of the movie and you play yourself as the main character?
Well, I had one of these moments. At the end you find yourselves with tears in your eyes, asking the same ole darn question of "WHEN"?
Then you feel alone and sometimes lost in your own journey. I sometimes look outside the window, just asking the same question to the Universe and just hope or wish to hear an answer in return of my favor. Of course I get an inner feeling or sensation. I am so impatient at times. This is my downfall. I need patience I know. Its been so long.. It has been a year since my last frog. This time around, i know that i am determined however, I feel like the right person will never come. The one I know that will be a perfect fit seems to disappear and it makes me wonder if it is? I am not sure why I feel this way. Insecurities maybe? But when I think about it, its like not normal. Not normal because the average relationship keeps in touch some way somehow. You might say, yeah but busy life gets in the way. Its funny because I know I have a hectic and busy life. But I find at least a minute of my time to reach out and show my love. I feel as if I am just another number of so many.
It hurts, but then I start to realize that the distance is a factor. The distance plays a big role. So, I cannot expect too much. I just wish men would have a little more consideration to womans feelings. Dont lead someone on and then just disappear. This is a big heart stommper on us girls. Maybe this is one of the causes that fail in a relationship. NO COMMUNICATION. I cannot stress this enough. Maybe I am just weird. Maybe I should be alone all of my lonesome life..
This is my lonley life.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Sadness overwhelms me
I cannot deny that there are times that I fall. I feel week and cannot walk. I feel like somehow envy rushes through. People seeing how strong I am and this makes them uncomfortable. Without intentions of individuals around us, they send out negative energy that causes one to fall or to feel defeated in certain ways. I feel like I have been shot by bullets all over my body and I need help . Trying to get to the hospital walking in agony I start to think of the beauty in life. The agony makes you feel that there is nothing out there to live for, but in your mind you know that the agony is lying. It is telling you what your physical body is feeling. I feel in my heart that there is more to life than the agony I am feeling. But at times the feeling is so overwhelming that you start to believe into the Bullshit the agony feeds you.
I start to pick up the pieces that are all around me, as I feel that I can make this journey to the hospital/place of healing . The road is tough but I feel that I can get through. It is like having to carry another boy while trying to carry your own. You know that the path is near but you feel defeated. The path to help is so close yet so far. You feel that the only real help is you because when you look around there is no one there. Your cries of help go nowhere. It is like no one gives a damn. When you look around you feel alone. You feel death very near.
I am determined to get out of this alive. I want to do so many things and if I let this defeat me then I know I will not be able to do what I need to do. I am still determined. On my path to healing/Hospital it seems so far. I know that it is not as far as it feels, but with my body aching and my heart wounded, I feel helpless. I feel that there is no destination. There is no real emotions in my body that want to live. My mind is the only thing going. My children's laughter is heard from afar. I smile. I hear your voice with the children, but still I hear it so far away.
I keep walking to get healing. I am finally there, but now I am not sure if I want to go in. I am confused if I should lay in a fetal position beside the building of healing and just die. I sit to rest as my bare feet are hurting. Blood dripping everywhere, my heart is wounded, my body is dying slowly and my mind starting to feel defeated by my body. I sit there thinking. I don't have a lot of time as I know that I will not last...
This is how I feel today!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Hide and seek
As I play Hide and seek in the dark with the kids at home. I started to think and wonder where you would hide.
Do you like to be "it" first or do you want to hide ?
I am sure that you would pick all the great hiding places. I am sure that you would know where to hide that no one would find you. You would be the one that would be the last to be found and you would be found because you would jump out and scare whomever would come to find you. You would giggle and say "See, You guys could not find me.. I am good".. I would look at you and love you even more. The kids would think you are the funniest daddy ever. You would bring smiles to our faces..
I can see us picking a hiding place together.. Giggling waiting for the children to find us, we whisper asking eachother if we see them. I can feel your hands touching and doing naughty things :)
I can see us having so much fun with the kids. It would be so much fun..
These are times that I find myself wanting you more..
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Endless passion
I often wonder how it would be to have endless passion. Would it be something that would take my life into a complete twirl within myself and around my soul, running through my veins then sinking into my skin and out through the hairs of my body?
Maybe the passion will connect with him when I am having the sexual connection. Instead of the passion having an exit through the hairs of my body it will go through his penis and into his cum, through his veins and within his blood that will penetrate through his muscles going through the skin. The skin will then revert the passion through the original path back into me.
The passion would last within us when we are connected. When we disconnect the intense affection, the passion will be still within us but mixed with the energies that was once in us in solitude. It will have us animated with the appetite we once needed and now fullfilled. Joy will trigger our emotions and have everlasting passion.
Can this be true?
Can this ever become a reality?
I am sure this is how passion must be, because I feel this is how it should be!
Namaste
I needed to share this.. This is so beautiful.
This is how Lancelot and I will be, As one. Happy within ourselves and with us!!!
Monday, February 8, 2010
I survived!
I survived when you thought I would fall.
I have succeeded when you thought that I would fail.
I have wealth when you poured worrisome burden on us.
I have health when you threw stress at us.
I am strong when you tried your hardest to knock me down.
I Am now happy when you thought I would be sad.
I only wish you only the best.
I will never desire any negative energy on you.
I am better than that.. Because, I am making it and have everything I need.
I have survived, and I will keep on surviving.
When you left my life, it has become the most prosperous for me. I have a better mind, Body and soul. I am surrounded by allot of positive, beautiful people and I am blessed to have such wonderful individuals in my life.
I never give up, I keep going. I am moving forward.
I am what I am and happy of who I am!!.
LOVE ALWAYS, THIS IS THE WAY TO ETERNAL HAPPINESS!!
Enlighten me
Enlighten me with something new. Something fantastic. Something that will brighten up not just my day but my life. I need some of your light in my life. Although the light in my life is always the same, I need yours to make it brighter. I need it to be something so powerful,that my eyes will barely open. My hands would be the shade to help me see the power of your light.
I need you to enlighten my mind with your ways of thinking. Sometimes I only see what I know to see. With your inspirations in your mind, I need it to be enlightened with your intelligent ways of thoughts. Sometimes confusion enters into my mind and I need your thoughts to make mine smooth and with ease.
Your creations of ways to do things will enlighten my discoveries of ways much better. It will fully develop what I already know with something new and exciting. Knowing that I have you to enlighten me with your creativity make ways better and energizing.
Your love will enlighten me to have a better understanding of what true love is and means. The sense of having someone there to guide and protect me goes far beyond words. It stimulates my heart and has it in a thrilling bliss. A feeling only true lovers and soul mates can only experience. Something that is a higher being, a higher level, a higher existence.
I know that you will enlighten me all ways, shape and form.
♥ I need you to enlighten me ♥
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Complete stranger
I fell in love with a complete stranger. I looked into his eyes and my world was spinning. It was spinning because I felt that I was dizzy and in a daze. I loved the way I felt. It was an impact. It was like it was meant to be. Not sure why, all I knew is that i felt my spirit rushing through my veins and through my body. It felt right. It felt perfect.
As I try to speak, words mumbled out of my mouth. It was like my mouth was paralyzed. Something that has never happened to me before. It was like I was not able to carry on a conversation. It was scary, but I knew that it was out of delight as well.
I didnt know how to act, as my body was in complete shock. I tried to move and walk or do anything for this matter. But I was still.
He gazed into my eyes. He smiles. He tells me how beautiful I am. He tells me that it is rare to see a beautiful woman with such amazing eyes. He says he can read my soul. He says he knows who I am without me saying a word. We are complete strangers, so how would he know? But he details me to the "T". I am amazed. He tells me that he has been looking for me. He searched high and low and he finally finds me out of nowhere. I am surprised and speechless. Nonetheless dumbfounded to what he tells me.
I finally sigh and I know that I am able to move. I look into his eyes and say, "Wow, Finally I am free. Able to soar like the eagles in the sky. I have been searching as well. But I thought I would never find you so I stopped searching. Once I did, I found you".
We both kissed and it felt like I have kissed these lips in the past. It felt so warm, Passionate, yet so "Right".
This is us.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Loving day!
Leaving you in the morning sleeping. Only my scent to leave behind. You wake up in the morning wondering where I am.
I could just imagine you opening your eyes, turning over to hug me. To your surprise, I am not there. Touching the empty side of the bed, feeling where I slept. You start to miss me. I am smiling as I know that I have never left you. I am always with you in spirit.
You get up, hoping I am in the kitchen. You get into the kitchen and see a note that I have left you. I wrote " I had to leave to meet a client baby, but coffee is freshly grounded and made just for you. Breakfast freshly made in the microwave and I hand squeezed some oranges and made you juice. Its in the fridge. I love you baby and can still smell your wonderful manly scent on my skin. You were wonderful last night as you always are. Kisses, I leave you until later". You smile after reading as you know that you are very special to me.
You turn and go into the bathroom.. You look at the mirror. I left you a love note on the mirror. It was written in my favorite lipstick. I wrote," I Love you Baby, Kisses". You smile once more as you see that I have left you another sign of my love for you. You brush your teeth and get ready to eat what I had prepared for you. You grab the newspaper that i had left for you on the breakfast table. You open it.. I drew a huge heart on an advertisement.. It said, " You and me FOREVER.. I love you"... You giggle and think, "She is a crazy little chick, but I love her no matter what she does". You continue on reading your paper.
You realize you have a text message.. You look at it.. It was from me.. You think, Wow, another love reminder and you giggle. I text you and it said," I cant wait to go home and fuck you.." It also had a picture attached.. I was driving and took a picture of myself with my blouse unbuttoned so that I could tease you. You think, "I cant wait to fuck you too'. you giggle...
This is how I will Love you Lancelot. There will be no days that go by that you will not feel loved. Everyday will be a new an exciting day for us.
I love you Lancelot..
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Playing
I will play all the time with you. I will play and teach you to say my name at all times and hours of the day. You will be forever addicted to me and I will be a part of you. You will be astonished to how I will play with you. You will experience something that you have never felt in your life. I will make you my toy, the one that will play with me when I want too.
I will make you my boy Toy. You will be completely mine. You will love the way I will teach you things. I am sure you will want to teach me too as it goes both ways, but I assure you that the games I want to play are so delightful. Something that will be not normal. Something exotic, fun.. Something that will be carried with you through-out your life. You will wonder where I have gotten these ideas. I will smile and teach you my wild thoughts. My wild and crazy mind. Things that you will be dumb founded.
I am not comparable. I am something that cannot be described. Something that will place you in a daze.
I will have you under my spell. My own exotic spell, the one that you will want more of. You will never want it to expire. I will be the one that you will dream of. I will be the one that you will only think of. I will be the one that only you will want.
I will own you. I will own your thoughts. I will own your desires. I will own your dick. I will own your soul. You will wonder when you gave me the rights to you. But, you will not care. You only know that pleasures that I will give you. You will only want what I give you. You know that that I am truly a needle in the hay stack. I am what you always wanted.
I am here waiting for you!!
Happiness lies within
Happiness lies within every single one of us. No one can make you feel complete.
It is like using a bandaide to cover up what is really missing. I know that when someone has a split up with someone, it seems like we always are out "Looking" for that missing piece that we need to make us feel so whole. I mean, it is like a overwhelming feeling that we feel that we "Must" have someone. So that we can feel better. This is not the best solution. It just means that you are missing "Something" within you.
We all look on the outside of our bodies trying to find "Something". We are always looking for answers on the outside. Well, I am sorry to surprise you with this, but we MUST look within ourselves for all answers. We are more in a confused state and looking for confirmation more so than answers, because the answers we already have. We need to confirm what we already know.
When we feel lonely, this is when we need to do some soul searching about us. Noone more than us. It is ok to feel Alone.. But lonliness lies when we have not found our soul or when we are not loving ourselves to the fullest. We all think that we love ourselves. I was one too. When someone asked me about a year ago, if I loved myself, of course I said "Yes, of course". But thought I knew what that meant, But I didnt. When I started my soul searching this is when I realized, I didnt truly love myself. I found myself degrading myself. I found myself calling myself bad words. telling myself how ugly and inconsiderate I was. I would look at myself and call myself all these bad animal names. I would tell myself how fat I am and how noone would like me.
Anyway, I thought back at all the times I abuse and love myself. Sadley, I have abused myself more than Love myself. Pleasing people would provide me a better satisfaction than to please myself. It is sad.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
OPen for you
I am sitting here waiting for you. Arms open. Ready to receive everything you want to give me. I am here to be what you want me to be at any moment, any given time. I want you to have all the love, sex, attention, and the caring you need and deserve.
Will you be able to handle the intense love we will have?
You put this love within me, within my heart. I am here praying for you to come to me safely and ready.
I have so much to give you. I have a lot of passion. I have everything you could ever need.
I want to be your lover. I want you. I want to have your baby..
I want you so bad. I need you. I am waiting for you. To fulfill this burning sensation I have. The burning love I want to give you.
What will you do?
Tell me your dreams. Am I there?
Tell me your stories, your fantasies.
I want to make you fly and fill the passion you so need in your life.
Just love me, that is all I ask. Love me like you would your baby.
Justify me and my Love. Justify what is needed.
I pity the man that his pleasures depend, on the permission of another.
I want all of your wildest fantasies to come alive. I want you to have all the pleasures you deserve. I cannot express that enough. I want you to feel fulfilled within me and all over. I want you to be the king you need to be. The ruler of my hear. The ruler of my soul. The one and only.
I am not afraid of what will happen. I will receive it with such joy.I know you will too.
I want to make love to you everywhere. In the tree house, In the woods, In a train, in a bathroom, in a boat (That is hot), In a car, On the street. Anywhere we can make love, I want to do it with you.
I love you Lancelot and I always will!!
I just realized
I was rushing to get ready to meet my children's teachers. I showered. I got dressed. I made my hair and a tad of makeup. The kids had a half day of school today. I took the little ones with me to the conference. They were happy that their mother was walking into the classroom with them. They looked so proud. It was like they were walking in with a movie star. They were excited. Wanting me to meet their teachers. Of course, they gave me a grand introduction of their teachers while walking down the halls before I got there.
When I walked up to my daughters teachers classroom, I had to wait for about 5-10 minutes before she was done with her previous appointment. Her teacher opened the door letting the other parent come out of the classroom. She greeted us with a smile. I walked in with my kids. She asked them if they wanted to play in a certain area, the kids agreed.
We started to talk about my daughter's grades. Her teacher was so happy. She was telling me that my daughter in an honor role student. I knew that I would only get good news from her. She has been an honor roll student since she started. Well, when the teacher started to talk to me and tell me all the wonderful things about her, I looked over to the right of me (Not knowing why) and I seen the empty seat next to me. My eyes started to fill with tears. I tried to hold back as I didn't want the teacher to notice. I just realized at that instant that I was alone. I didn't have you beside me to hear all the wonderful things our daughter accomplished at school. At the same time I kind felt soothed, like if you were there but in spirit. I started to imagine you there beside me (Silly I must admit).
The funny thing is, is that none of my previous frogs ever came to the school to hear the progress of the kids. I am not sure why all of a sudden I felt the loneliness. I do this all the time alone. I am not sure, but I guess I have the inner feeling and faith to know that you are different. You will support me in all. Our kids, Home, Life and love. This is why i am so excited.
After the conference, I headed towards my son's teachers homeroom. She greeted me and I sat down. Again my kids played as I talked to the teacher. Once more, I felt like you were with me. I cannot explain what i felt. I felt it being confirmation that the next time I sat in those very chairs, you would be with me. It made me realize, how much I miss you. How much I love you. How much I need you in my life.
I am impatient.. I would love to have the fairytale tomorrow if I could. But, it is like a pain that I cannot get out of my heart.
I started to notice the wedding bands of the teachers. I thought, wow.. When will I have Lancelot with me and when will I be in the pink fairytale of having you love me. Having you to talk to everyday. Having something to look forward too every time I go to sleep or wake up?
What I just realized is, how much I really love you and need you in my life!
Today I had 3 Parent teacher conferences. I was rushing to get off and meet the kids teachers. I had a lot of work to finish, I made myself go to the gym in the AM. It was complete chaos for me.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
My Wild day out
Riding home with Tony. I found myself Looking at my cell. Checking to make sure my husband did not call. I knew that Alex would have my bath ready once I arrived home.
Tony started to converse. He talked about the color of the ocean. The sounds of the ocean waves. The fisherman we seen while having wild sex behind the huge Rocks. He mentioned how the weather was perfect for an evening as today. I smiled and looked straight in his eyes and said, "Indeed it was". Tony leaned over and kissed me while he was driving. I kissed him back.
The roads where narrow. Tony was driving safe and we talked about everything. Some where conversations of being silly and the others were nothing of importance. While we were driving, I text Alex. I told him that I was almost home and that I needed the water ran in about 15 minutes. He always prepares my baths and makes sure the eucalyptus is placed in the water, the candles are lit and my soft music is playing.
I looked at Tony and said, " Lets pull over". Tony knew why I wanted to have him pull over. He smiled and pulled over. He said, "OK, done". He giggled. I started to take off my shirt and the top portion of my bathing suit. My bare breasts were showing. I had a smile on my face. Tony knew that he needed to take advantage because I needed to get home.
He loved how I fucked him. He knew that it would be at least several days until he would see me again.
Tony started to kiss me. His hands were all over my breasts and side of my waist. I unbuckled his pants and I started to suck his big hard dick. It was a bit salty from the salt water from swimming in the ocean, but I didn't care. I sucked that dick and let it go back deep. He then straddled me. I placed his dick into my pussy. He started to fuck me hard. It was feeling deep and good. We both laid on the passengers seat of the car.
He was banging me. It was soooo good. I started to cum and moan. I moaned with pleasure. It felt so good. He heard my moaning and deep breathing. He started to cum. I felt his cum dripping down from my pussy. I put my panties and shorts back on. My panties were wet with all the cum he put inside of me.
He kissed me and he drove me home.
As always, Alex waited for me to get home. He put the kids to bed and stood at the door. Tony and I parked in the driveway. I kissed him goodbye and I started to get out of his car. I started to walk towards home. I seen Alex at the door. He greeted me and kissed me. Alex said, "Your bath is ready, just as you like it.. How did your day go?" I replied."Oh, baby, you know how it went. Just like all the other times I am with Tony. He fucked me hard and It was good as always. Oh, and I left you a present on my panties too.. It is soaked with Tony's cum". Alex smiled and followed me to the bathroom. I started to get undressed. I looked at him and showed him my soaked panties and the cum still in my pussy from Tony. I said, "Come here Alex. You see the cum still coming out of my pussy? This is what you need to do to me.. Lick me". Alex, very obedient, started to kneel down in front of me and started to lick off the cum running down my leg. "OK, your done" I stated to Alex. I then started to get into the bath tub. As always Alex started to soap the washcloth and started to wash my back and breasts. He then washed my body with the washcloth, just as a good husband should. He then started to wash my pussy. I said, "Wait, I want you to fuck me while I am laying here in the water. I want you to mix your cum with Tony's.
Alex started to take his cloths off. He got into the bathtub with me. He started to kiss me. I said,"Dont kiss me, Just fuck me. I want to think of Tony while you fuck me." I was on all fours and he started to fuck me hard. I could feel his hard dick fucking me. It felt good. I could feel the passion of my husband fucking me. He had this way, this passion that no other man had when fucking me. I loved to have him fuck me. To feel the intense feeling and love that he had for me.
Alex started to cum. I then whispered in his ear, "I Love you"
Monday, February 1, 2010
Embrace me
The only thing that I ask is that you embrace me.
Embrace the moments we are together.
Embrace the moments that we are not together.
Embrace the times that we only see white walls and silence.
Embrace all that we have at the moment.
We never know when we will stop living.
We need to embrace all moments, no matter what the day may look.
I will embrace every moment of every day as I know I own your love forever!
Let me go!!
People change, things change. Damage, tears and hurt start to settle. I am not sure what I need for you to move on or to settle in peace with your new family. All I ask is that you let me go.
You had your time, your opportunities to make things right. You decided not to take advantage of your chances. Chances and opportunities do not linger, they go away. I ask that you think back on the past and come to peace with it. There is NO point for return. This is it. It is done. It is over. I cannot give you another chance. We are no longer who we were. We are different. We are now two, no longer one.
I gave you all of my love. You decided not to cherish what I gave you. I must admit, there were times that you made me happy but sadly to say that the majority of the time, it was complete sadness. I hung on as long and as much as I could. But I was tired. I was exhausted. You did not value what we had. You refused to make ends meet. I had to go the extra mile and assure the ends to meet. But I got tired. I couldn't do it anymore.
You became very hateful, deceiving, a liar, and someone that I never knew. If you are happy that way, then Bless you. But, please let me go. I am only a past in your life. It has been over for a year now. Time passed and you never healed because you chose not too. I am a different person. I am whole. I am complete. I came in peace with who I am.
Fustrations are brought in when I see you make things hard for me, just to satisfy you. How egoistic. How can anyone call you a man. Come to peace with yourself and let me go.
Even though we rarely see each other, I feel your energy that remains. Please detach yourself from my energy, I assure you that once you do, you will feel better. You will feel like you have gained something. This will be your first step to happiness. You are only making things bad on you. I feel sorry for you. I would like you to be happy. I only want good for you. I only want you to come to peace with you. This will make you a stronger man in your relationships. Stop trying to get the kids involved. This is the worse thing you can do!!
I ask that you let me go. I am no future for you. I am death. I am one that has demised within you and you refuse to bury.
Please, Let me go. I am tangled within your energy and cannot come out.
I know that Lancelot will come in and save me, but until then , I can only beg you to let me go!!
I have done nothing but loved you in the past.
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