Love

Love is a word that will take you any place you want to be. Love is a word that you can fantasize and feel very good about.

Love also hurts. I have felt the thorns of love and have been beat up by it, thrown over the empire state building and have tons of trucks run over me. Some how, some way I get back up . When I get up again, I get hurt even worse by love, the last time I was thrown from an airplane and when I hit the ground I had several bats beat my soul over and over again.

It seems like I cannot have the peace with love that I long to have. I want to have all the goodness of love that I long to have and rightfully know that I deserve. It is hard. I am one to be bundled up and hide. I am the one that builds brick walls all over my heart and soul so it will not be taken by the wrong person. When I decide to take some of the bricks down to release a little, I feel like I am going to get hurt again.

I know I am destined to have Lancelot. I must admit to you, that I am scared. What if he one day decides to take it and run. Leave my soul alone. I will surely die. I will become a rock, with no love and only have sadness and loss within me. I ask the universe that everything be the way I desire it to be. Honestly, I believe that I need to be happy, but ego steps in and laughs in my face.

I don't want to be confused. I don't want to be another bad example to my kids. I only want to love. Why is it so hard to release what I have within me and not have that in return. Why is my love life so damn difficult. Why cant this be as easy as eating that Dove chocolate bar that I eat so quickly without thinking twice. All I want to be in this damn world in happy.

Why do I get laughed in the face by ego? Why is it that when I think about releasing my feelings, I start to cry and am scared? I feel so damn helpless. When I am alone, that is when I feel alone. I know that I need to have him with me but when I look, I am still alone. I don't get it.. Am I so bad of a person that I cannot get love? What is it that Lancelot does not see? I am standing right in front of him and he does not see me..

Lancelot, do you hear me? Do you feel me? Do you think of me?

I want to be with you now.

I believe I am just not ready. The universe wants this to be perfect. I am so sorry, I am anxious to have you in my arms. I am impatient. I am sorry Lancelot for not having the patience you deserve. I am sorry to rush into things. I am sorry to bother you.I don't mean too. I want to have some type of communication with you so I can feel your love from afar. Sometimes I doubt and think you found someone better. Maybe you deserve someone better. Maybe I am just plain and undesirable in your eyes. Maybe I am reading too much into things.

I miss you and want to be with you.

I honestly love you with all of my heart. I am sorry for having a flaw of impatient.

I know that it will happen at the right time. Meanwhile, know that I am patiently waiting. Know that I will wait and never betray you. Know that I know that you love me. Know that I will still visit you in your dreams. Know that I am where I need to be and will be here for you.

I love you and that will never change!!

Lancelot, when we first see each other, my arms will be wide open to recieve you!!